R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
