dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
