Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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