a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
