he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
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at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
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He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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