did you get engaged???
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize
