Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
