her vagina looked like bernie madoff
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
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Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
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He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Who died my cat blue again?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.