I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
