I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
