Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
