I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
