She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
