hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
