I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
