I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
