my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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