Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
