Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
