Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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