i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
you win again, gameday.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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