i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
