Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
