when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
