Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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