Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
