why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Randomize
