Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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