guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
