im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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