We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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