I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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