Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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