I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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