i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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