Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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