It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
