pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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