Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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