I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
