If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
