Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
