i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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