watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
