A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Randomize
