It's Friday. Sex?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
