It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
