When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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