i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
