Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
