PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
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I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
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"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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