Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
