does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
