New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
