just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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