My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
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So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
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For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
God, I missed his penis.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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