i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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