y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize